Playin' It Safe

Coming out checklist

If you're considering coming out then you have to be prepared to handle the impact it will have on your life. Here are some of the things to think about first.

Why now?

There is no set time as to how long you should wait. Gay men and women who have come out will each have different experiences, but most will have been fairly confident about their sexuality first. So ask yourself if this is something you've been thinking about for a long time, or a sudden urge that you haven't had a chance to think through. Because basically once you're out, it's very difficult to get back in.

Who shall I tell?

Kick off by confiding in someone you trust who can give you the support and understanding you need to tell others. Also use the opportunity to talk through the way you feel with them. If this is first time you've ever discussed your sexuality, it might help you get a clearer perspective on things.

What shall I say?

There is no script, but if you can come out with honesty and openness, and you show respect for the person you're telling, then at the very least you can expect a similar response. Just be aware that you don't have to justify your sexuality to anyone but yourself.

What if they react badly?

Sadly, this is something you should always be prepared for. Whether it's shock or anti-gay sentiment that's prompted a negative response, try to stay calm. Stress that being gay doesn't make you any different as an individual, and that essentially you're still the same person as you were before you came out. All that's changed is their perception of you, so don't despair if at first they don't respond as you had hoped. Attitudes can often be changed, and you may find they just need some time to get their head around things. If you are worried about violence or being thrown out of your home, make sure in advance that a friend can put you up.

What will coming out mean to me?

It can mean as much or as little as you want. What's important is that your comfortable with your sexuality, and confident that coming out is the right step for you to take. If you'd like to talk to someone about it anonymously and in confidence.

The wrong label?

Having doubts about whether it's basic curiosity or something more permanent? If you've labelled yourself as gay or straight this doesn't mean the label can't change.

You came out young and were completely OK with it, but now you have feelings for someone of the opposite sex.

What does this mean?

If you believe your attraction to this person goes beyond the boundaries of your sexuality, why not take the opportunity to ask yourself what these boundaries actually mean, and how they came to be imposed.

Gay or straight, it's just a category. A means of labelling yourself to conform to the way our society defines sex, gender and relationships. The trouble is our feelings and desires don't always sit so easily in this way, which can lead to a great deal of grief and confusion. Forget about the labels for a moment.

You're attracted to an individual, and the important thing is that you feel able to come to terms with these emotions. Try to have a heart to heart with the person in question, this will go some way to finding a positive outcome to this situation. Not just in terms of your feelings for him/her, but the bigger picture, too.

You've always considered yourself straight but you've recently been having feelings for people of the same sex... are you gay?

Your attraction to other guys/girls can mean as much or as little as you want. What's important is that you find a comfortable way to make sense of these feelings.

The fact is everyone comes to terms with their sexuality in different ways. Some people are sure they're gay from a very early age, while others go through periods of uncertainty or confuse same sex admiration for sexual attraction. So don't fret about labelling yourself just yet. Ultimately, all that matters is that you're true to yourself.

When a friend comes out

Out of the blue, your best mate tells you they're gay/bi/a lesbian. How do you deal with it and how can you be there for them? We give you a few pointers.

Firstly, coming out is a big step for anyone. You should be flattered that your mate chose to confide in you. It shows that they hold you in high regard. Don't freak out at the prospect though, it is unlikely they want to jump into bed with you. Instead think about the following:

• First impressions: When you meet new people, do you ask if they have a boyfriend OR girlfriend? By not assuming other people's sexual orientation, you let your friends know that it's OK to tell you if they're gay.
• Stereotypes: Don't expect your friend to change their appearance and their identity because they're not straight. They haven't become a different person overnight. They won't suddenly acquire dress sense and aspirations of a career in hairdressing, nor will they rush to shave their head and join the pool team. Sexual identity is part of your personality, it doesn't and shouldn't shape your whole life.
• Deal with it: You might not share the same beliefs as your mate, but you can still support them. Chances are that they were scared to tell you, especially if they thought you wouldn't approve of their decision. It's completely normal to feel uncomfortable and nervous, especially if you haven't known gay people before. Try to remember that nothing has changed about your friend except that they have been more honest with you.
• Lean on me: You don't have to be gay in order to support gay rights, it is simply a striving for equality. If you want to help make a difference get out there and do something, however do consider your mate. They may not have told anyone but you, so don't go parading them about as a gay icon/ needy cause. Don't turn their emotional rollercoaster into gossip, they have enough to deal with, surely.
• Talk on: Don't clam up after the initial conversation you and your mate have about them coming out. If you keep talking about it you will both be better able to be comfortable with the situation.